Now it’s time for the man’s rules. We always hear “the rules” for the
feminine side. OK. We are now going to hear the rules from the man’s side.
These are our rules!

Please note these are all numbered “1″ on purpose. [Copied, the original
source is unknown . . or more likely in hiding]

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it
down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work
Strong hints do not work
Obvious hints do not work
Just say it!

1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done,
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Came across a humdinger of a blog article. Was even MORE startled when I
saw who wrote it - a ditzy blonde actress of Saturday Night Live fame. But
what she said was spot on.]

Cheetos (Poor People Need Fathers Not Government Programs)
by Victoria Jackson

I’m sitting in a waiting room. I’m waiting for my auditioning squad to
execute me. I’m wearing my black and red plaid, $1400 St. John audition
outfit. I’ve worn it to every audition for six years. It has a small hole
in it. I hope they don’t notice. I have time to kill so I’m trying to
crawl inside the head of a liberal.

The people auditioning me will all be liberals. Should I hide my recent,
passionate Tea-Bagging activities, if the topic comes up? Why should they
hate me? I only want the best for everyone. My beliefs in the Bible, and
freedom and capitalism are only ideals that bless people. And, they worked
real good from 1776 to 2008…with a hitch in the 60s where immorality, free
love, the pill, drugs, divorce, and the breakup of the family started the
thread of morality unraveling. You can’t have a great country without the
spirit of The Ten Commandments hovering in the hearts of its citizens.
This execution squad has probably already labeled me. But, the labels, they
are a’changing. Republicans have moved left. Liberals have moved left. I
guess it’s The Second Law of Thermodynamics, “the world is in a state of
entropy,” or decay, or left-moving. Now the word “radical” is in the mix.
It’s a swirl of words that represent belief systems, or “world-views” as
Chuck Colson put it in his book, “How Now Shall We Live?”

One must watch the news all day to keep up with the swiftly changing
currents. Dennis Prager had the author of “Heaven and Earth” on his radio
show today, and I sighed with relief. Finally, someone is addressing the
global warming hoax with a real scientist. But, suddenly KGIL has canceled
all of it’s conservative talk radio programs and replaced them with music.
The hairs on my arms pop up. Has the Fairness Doctrine begun? And we
didn’t even get to fight it?

I saw a real fat girl once, slowly walking down the middle of an empty
street in a “poor” neighborhood. She was eating from a bag of Cheetos. I
was in my car at a stop light, watching her. I thought maybe no one told
her that Cheetos make you fat, or maybe her life is so sad that that bag of
Cheetos is the highlight of her day. Sometimes, Cheetos is the highlight of
my day. I said a little prayer for her. Then, she dropped the empty bag in
the middle of the street.

My empathy dissipated.

Statistics confirm the fact that most “poor” people have no fathers. My
father told me that Cheetos makes you fat. He also built a gym in our
backyard. We lived in a very “poor” neighborhood. Our house cost $10,000
when he bought it in the 50’s. The neighborhood then got worse. All of our
neighbors’ houses began to look dirty and have five broken cars and beer
cans in their front yards. Our house was always immaculate and our front
yard always had freshly mown grass. My father took us to church 3 times a
week. He read the Bible out loud to Grandma and Grandpa every Sunday night,
at Grandma’s house, because Grandpa was an agnostic and wouldn’t go to
church. My father taught me how to read when I was 5, so that when I
started first grade I was the best reader. I skipped second grade. My
father played the piano every night and taught us show tunes, and how to
harmonize. My father taught us how to water ski. My father was a
gymnastics coach, so he taught me a “flip flop” and I was the only
cheerleader who could do that. My father protected us. He bought a bee bee
gun that looked like a real gun, to scare burglars away. We were robbed
four times. He said, “I could never kill anyone.” My father made us feel
safe. He gave us confidence and a history and a future.

That Cheetos girl probably doesn’t have a father. And, no amount of
government assistance, housing, food stamps, free college, or ObamaCare can
give her that. She needs a father.

Obama didn’t have a father. Maybe that’s why he sees the government as
Daddy.

My auditioning/execution squad enters the room and all my thoughts start to
swirl away. The only thought that remains is that I must tell the truth. I
only want the best for everyone.

~~
 
Dr Bob Griffin
bob@grif.net www.grif.net
“Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!”

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[Some noticed two little icons at the bottom of recent grif.net messages.
These are "counter" boxes, to show the popularity of the grif.net web site.
No need to ever click on them, although they will contain a list of 1000 top
"Baptist" or "Christian" sites, many of which are VERY good] We’re testing
it out to see value in it]

Now, more SERIOUS and VALUABLE “truisms” to end the week:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others, and
Responsibility for all your actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of
luck.

When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Spend some time alone every day.

Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll
be able to enjoy it a second time.

Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Even in a virtual world, wishing won’t make it so.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like
being made to feel like a big fat glutton before dinner.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with
it.

The other day some kid asked me, “What would happen if you ran over a
ninja?” How do I respond to that?

It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get irritated that everyone they drive behind obeys
the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Do YOU have favorites? We will have grif.net readers share on Friday.]

 

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

 I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles.

 Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

 Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know
my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….

 You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

 Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

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[Day 2. All true, some more than others. Thanks to BJ for collecting these
and passing them on. Do YOU have favorites? We will have grif.net readers
share on Friday.]

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear
is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make the best stories.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[All true... Some more than others. Thanks to BJ for collecting these and
passing them on. Do YOU have favorite questions or statements? We will have
grif.net readers share on Friday]

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a
text.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is
absolutely petrifying.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Big hubbub this past week on Mrs. Obama’s “shorts” when vacationing in
Wyoming and Arizona. Not an issue for me, compared to the MILLIONS of
dollars she is spending on her White House staff. From a Canadian news link
-

“There has never been anyone in the White House at any time that has created
such an army of staffers whose sole duties are the facilitation of the First
Lady’s social life. One wonders why Mrs Obama needs so much help, at
taxpayer expense of course.

Hillary Clinton had three; Jackie Kennedy one; Laura Bush one. Prior to
Mamie Eisenhower, social help came from the President’s own pocket.

No, Michele Obama does not get paid to serve as the First Lady and she
doesn’t perform any official duties. But this hasn’t deterred her from
hiring an unprecedented number of staffers to cater to her every whim and to
satisfy her every request in the midst of the Great Recession.

Just think Mary Lincoln was taken to task for purchasing china for the White
House during the Civil War. And Mamie Eisenhower had to shell out the salary
for her personal secretary. How things have changed!

If you’re one of the tens of millions of Americans facing certain
destitution, earning less than subsistence wages stocking the shelves at
Wal-Mart or serving up McDonald cheeseburgers, prepare to scream and then
come to realize that the benefit package for these servants of Ms Michelle
are the same as members of the national security and defense departments and
the bill for these assorted lackeys is paid by John Q. Public:

1. $172,2000 – Sher, Susan (Chief Of Staff)

2. $140,000 – Frye, Jocelyn C. (Deputy Assistant to the President and
Director of Policy And Projects For The First Lady)

3. $113,000 – Rogers, Desiree G. (Special Assistant to the President and
White House Social Secretary)

4. $102,000 – Johnston, Camille Y. (Special Assistant to the President and
Director of Communications for the First Lady)

5. Winter, Melissa E. (Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief
Of Staff to the First Lady)

6. $90,000 – Medina , David S. (Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)

7. $84,000 – Lelyveld, Catherine M. (Director and Press Secretary to the
First Lady)

8. $75,000 – Starkey, Frances M. (Director of Scheduling and Advance for the
First Lady)

9. $70,000 – Sanders, Trooper (Deputy Director of Policy and Projects for
the First Lady)

10. $65,000 – Burnough, Erinn J. (Deputy Director and Deputy Social
Secretary)

11. Reinstein, Joseph B. (Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)

12. $62,000 – Goodman, Jennifer R. (Deputy Director of Scheduling and Events
Coordinator For The First Lady)

13. $60,000 – Fitts, Alan O. (Deputy Director of Advance and Trip Director
for the First Lady)

14. Lewis, Dana M. (Special Assistant and Personal Aide to the First Lady)

15. $52,500 – Mustaphi, Semonti M. (Associate Director and Deputy Press
Secretary To The First Lady)

16. $50,000 – Jarvis, Kristen E. (Special Assistant for Scheduling and
Traveling Aide To The First Lady)

17. $45,000 – Lechtenberg, Tyler A. (Associate Director of Correspondence
For The First Lady)

18. Tubman, Samantha (Deputy Associate Director, Social Office)

19. $40,000 – Boswell, Joseph J. (Executive Assistant to the Chief Of Staff
to the First Lady)

20. $36,000 – Armbruster, Sally M. (Staff Assistant to the Social Secretary)

21. Bookey, Natalie (Staff Assistant)

22. Jackson, Deilia A. (Deputy Associate Director of Correspondence for the
First Lady)

Note: This does not include makeup artist Ingrid Grimes-Miles, 49, and
“First Hairstylist” Johnny Wright, 31, both of whom travelled aboard Air
Force One to Europe.”

[2009 Canada Free Press]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Ivan, a preacher in Illinois, sent this bit of humor]

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he
came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want
for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little
boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike
in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the
bike around a little while, said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the
rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the
little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it
started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long
since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that
string. It’ll come back to ya.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Some of these are new; some are as old as Iowa and twice as corny, but I
found myself laughing again. Maybe you will, too]

If you throw a cat out of a car window does it become kitty litter?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If its tourist season, do we get to shoot them?

How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special
Olympics?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Have your children finished their “Summer Reading List”? Mine were intrigued
with the titles and the authors’ names.

“I Love Fractions”, by Lois Denominator.

“Learn the Alphabet with Me”, by Abe B. Seedy

“Uninteresting Advertising Signs”, by Bill Bored.

“The French Chef”, by Sue Flay.

“I’m a Lumberjack”, by Tim Berr

“French Beach Sandals”, by Phillipe Philloppe

“Tracing Dead Relatives”, by Anne Cestors

“The Witch’s Cooking Pot”, by Carl Dron.

“Damaged Goods”, by Warren T. Repairs

“Archery”, by Beau-Anne Darrow

“A Rising Star” by Amanda B. Reckonwith.

“Learn To Do It Yourself” by Tyrone Shoelaces.

“Wealthy Strange Animals” By Richard Vark

“Can I come in?” by Isador Open.

“Kung-fu Fighting” by Marsha Larts.

“Off to Market”, by Tobias A. Pigg

“Making Beautiful Music”, by Mel Odies.

“My Favorite Stringed Instrument”, by Amanda Lin.

“Equestrian Sports”, by Horace Ryder

“Insomnia”, by M.T. Bed.

“French Painters of the 16th Century”, by Rene Sance

“Trying not to get caught”, by Heidi Evidence.

“Looking at Single Celled Organisms”, by Mike Rowscope

“Southern Californian Pachyderms”, by L.A. Phant.

“A Whole Lot of Cats”, by Kitt N. Caboodle.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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The temperature of Heaven may be accurately computed. Our authority is
Isaiah 30:26, “Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the
Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven
days.”

Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun,
and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50
times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the
light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that.

The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat
lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e.,
Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.

Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the
absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).

The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed. However, Revelation 21:8
says “But the fearful, and unbelieving … shall have their part in the lake
which burns with fire and brimstone.” A lake of molten brimstone means that
its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.

Therefore Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

Or maybe not . . .

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during
the day.

Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast – dry
8 oz skim milk

Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Midafternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Late Evening News
entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Rules for This Diet:
*If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

*When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

*When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t
eat more than they do.

*Foods used for medicinal purposes *never* count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.

* If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

*Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
(Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls)

*Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.

*If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives
and spoons have no calories.
(Examples: peanut butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon)

*Foods of the same color have the same number of calories.
(Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Note: chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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