Forwarded by a regular here; originally from an orthopedic surgeon.

See if you can outsmart your foot, but trust me, you can’t. It is
pre-programmed in your brain.

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right
foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ’6′ in the air with your right
hand.

Your foot will change direction!!

I told you so! And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know
how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again,
if you’ve not already done so.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Over dinner, five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients on
the operating table.

The first surgeon said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responded, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon added, “No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

“You know,” the fourth surgeon chimed in, “I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. Most have no guts, no hearts, and
no spines, and their heads and backsides are interchangeable.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Returning from a trip I sat in a wheelchair in the Delta section of the Salt
Lake City airport terminal, I was appreciating the fine service as I was
saved from walking long distances by kind staff members (who wouldn’t even
accept a tip!!). I can walk, but the more I walk today, the more intense
pain I’m in tomorrow. Joy of my disease.

So they wheel me to a gate and give me a “head start” to get to my seat.
But while I was just sitting alone and silent, a little boy slipped off his
mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on mine,
he said, ‘I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.’

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Murphy’s Law of Children

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next
morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

6. If the shoe fits, it’s expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to
the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent.
Sometimes
~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Tongue in cheek, but serious thought behind this clever parody. Anyone who
is still a liberal (fewer and fewer admitting to it after the mess Congress
is in) may feel free to change the title/theme to barb any conservative
politician of your choice. Or delete it. Or weep.]

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
Washington, DC — July 22, 2009

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States
of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009. The move is
being made in order to save the President’s $400,000 yearly salary, and also
a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his
office has incurred during the last 6 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the
President’s term. “We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost
savings are huge,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). “We cannot
remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash
outlay,” Reynolds noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations
for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India ,
will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was
born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at
Niagara Falls , NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will
receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other
benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between
the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. “Working nights
will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated
Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. “I am excited about this position. I
always hoped I would be President.”

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not
be a problem as the past three Presidents seem to have not been familiar
with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can
address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at
all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson. “The
past campaign has proven this to be successful, with the result that some
people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day
of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for
$140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible
for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to
help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his
lifetime.

A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Obama’s extensive
experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a big swig, then
another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and
shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, “What are you doing? That was
a perfectly good bottle of whiskey! The Texan replied, “In Texas, there’s
plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle
of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the
air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn’t believe this and said “What in the world did you that
for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne! The Californian replied, “In
California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. He
opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put
the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the
Californian.

The shocked Texan said “Why did you do that?”

The Nevadan replied, “Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and
bottles are worth a nickel.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Some months ago we shared “handy tips” for life. Remember that great idea,
“If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.”

Well, we’ve got some more tips . . .

Old telephone books make ideal FREE personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding
an old TV or VCR remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving
across the road and jumping the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to ‘fast
wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply
peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will
be much easier to spot on your sheets or bedroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

You’re welcome

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Out playing in the yard one day with my young granddaughter, I got a little
wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and
you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

She shrugged and said sweetly. “Don’t worry, Grandpa. In ten years you’ll be
too old to do all those things anyway.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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JZ forwarded – Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A reporter travels to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for
something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that
guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town
square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing
Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to
check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him
pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him
for an interview.

“Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing
Wall and praying?”

“For about 50 years.”

“What do you pray for?”

“For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For
all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a wall.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Forwarded, and verified as a true account]

One of the “Band of Brothers” soldiers died just a month ago (June 17,
2009). We’re hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services. I want
a nationwide memorial service for Darrell “Shifty” Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of
the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry.
If you’ve seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know
Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is
interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn’t know
who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble
reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was at the right
gate, and noticed the “Screaming Eagle”, the symbol of the 101st Airborne,
on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he’d been in the 101st Airborne or if
his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st.

I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many
jumps he made. Quietly and humbly, he said “Well, I guess I signed up in
1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945 . . .” at which point my heart
skipped.

At that point he continued “I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then
jumped into Normandy . . . . do you know where Normandy is?”

At this point my heart stopped. I told him yes, I know exactly where
Normandy was, and I know what D-Day was.

He then added “I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem.” I was
standing with a genuine war hero and then I realized that it was June, just
after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said “Yes. And
it’s real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that
are, lots of them can’t make the trip.”

My heart was in my throat and I didn’t know what to say. I helped Shifty get
onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First
Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to
switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told
him I wanted him to have it, that I’d take his in coach.

He said “No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still
some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old man
very happy.” His eyes were filling up as he said it.

And mine are brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall to wall, back to back, 24×7 news coverage every day for the next
month.

No weeping fans on television.

And that’s not right.

Let’s give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own quiet way and
say in our hearts, “Rest in peace, Shifty.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Read about a church that put on a circus to attract people and had a clown
“preach”. Here are some reasons we may forgo the trend and not have a clown
preacher:

They force people to smile too early in the morning.

It’s hard to say with dignity, “The sermon today will be given by Brother
Umpa-Doody.”

Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under pew cushions.

Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime.

Many Baptists do not recognize seltzer water baptism as valid.

Dribble glasses used during the communion service could lead to a large
dry-cleaning tab.

We’d have to pay janitors extra to get all of the silly string off the
ceiling.

The kids would pop their balloons during closing prayer.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Read about a church that put on a circus to attract people and had a clown
“preach”. Here are some reasons we may forgo the trend and not have a clown
preacher:

They force people to smile too early in the morning.

It’s hard to say with dignity, “The sermon today will be given by Brother
Umpa-Doody.”

Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under pew cushions.

Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime.

Many Baptists do not recognize seltzer water baptism as valid.

Dribble glasses used during the communion service could lead to a large
dry-cleaning tab.

We’d have to pay janitors extra to get all of the silly string off the
ceiling.

The kids would pop their balloons during closing prayer.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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