[How many "trillions" in new taxes am I (and my grandchildren) going to pay
for a socialist America? It will get worse. So might as well laugh about
it instead of cry]

America is the land of opportunity. Everyone can become a taxpayer.

Q: What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can’t we pay Congress
not to raise taxes?

It’s hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex because so many of us have to
pay through the nose.

Q: There are two types of people who complain about paying their income tax.
A: Men and women.

Isn’t it appropriate that the month when the taxes are due begins with April
Fool’s Day and ends with cries of “May Day!”?

Did you ever notice? When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it
spells: “THEIRS.”

Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get to keep $10 and they get
$40.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Read in the paper about a fellow who had just finished reading a new book
entitled, ‘YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE’. He stormed to his wife in the
kitchen and announced:

“From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and I will have my way with you. Afterwards,
you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and
towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “My first guess would be the funeral director.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Grif.Net readers have submitted more "I met a man . . . " humor. Don't
blame me.]

I met a man who needed to lose weight so he went to the hardware store to
buy a gallon of thinner.

I met a monkey who backed into a fan and cut off part of his tail. The
monkey said, “It won’t be long now.”

I met a farmer who was thought to be outstanding in his field.

I met a man with multiple personalities. The man said, “I thought I had a
problem, but we got over it.”

I met a Finn who joined a local rock and roll group to lose weight since his
doctor had suggested a Lap Band.

I met the relatives of the man who invented the Tazer gun at his funeral.
His unexpected death left the family stunned.

I met a man who was afraid he was getting amnesia, but his doctor kept
saying, “Ah, just forget it.”

I met Lady Godiva and asked why she was never arrested for her antics. She
replied, “They never could pin anything on me.”

I met a man who was extremely tired from his medicines. The doctor told him
to take the pills two nights running and skip the third night.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Dante’s View and Our Choice
By BOB HAYNES, Benton County (Arkansas) Daily Record

In Death Valley, there is a place known as Dante’s View. From this location
you can look down into the lowest spot in the United States, a depression in
the earth 200 feet below sea level called Black Water. But from Dante’s View
you can also look up to the highest peak in the United States, Mt. Whitney,
rising to a height of 14,500 feet. In one direction you move to the lowest
spot in the United States, in the other, to the highest. From Dante’s View,
only the traveler can decide which direction to turn.

Today we are all standing once again at Dante’s View. We’ve seen the stock
market crash dive, we’ve seen our retirement savings nearly wiped out, we’ve
heard the story of thousands of people laid off from their work – and we’re
scared. We’ve reached Dante’s View and we now have a choice of which
direction to turn. From my point of view, we need to find a way to “look
up.”

Rick Warren said it far better than I could. Hear his words for today’s
pastors: “We’re less than four months into a troubling year. The stock
market is down. The housing market is down. Unemployment is up. Those
entering your church this Easter have seen their 401Ks take a nose dive over
the past year. Their homes aren’t worth as much as they were last year. Many
are out of work. They’re scared.” He then admonished pastors to realize that
this Easter, more than most years, they are ready to hear what the Easter
message has to say about their fears.

Warren then related some critical words of scripture: What were the first
words the angels said after Jesus rose from the dead: “Don’t be afraid!”
What were the first words Jesus said after he rose from the dead? “Don’t be
afraid!” What were the first words the disciples heard Jesus say when he met
them as a group? “Don’t be afraid!” That’s the message of Easter. And 2,000
years later it’s still relevant.”

Warren spoke about a study of fear that included in depth interviews with
500 different people. They discovered 7,000 different fears – an average of
14 different fears per person. We call fear by many names. We call it worry,
tension, anxiety and stress. Warren then said: “This is not some minor
issue; it’s absolutely critical. Why? It’s contagious. It’s limiting. It’s
draining. It’s the dark room where negativity develops.”

As Christians we need to make three decisions to overcome our fears. First,
we need to accept God’s totally unconditional love for us. Our deepest need
in life is to feel absolutely, totally, unconditionally loved. Second, we
must believe that Jesus died and rose for us in a most personal way. Our
third decision is to commit our fears and our life to Jesus. The only real
antidote to the fear that people are facing now is a commitment to Christ.
When they make him Lord of their life, they don’t have to fear losing
anything. He becomes the only person they ultimately have to please.

The first Easter changed the world. Nothing has ever been the same. Even
secular historians will admit that whatever happened on that first Easter
morning, the history of the world changed forever. Standing at Dante’s View?
Look up and embrace the Easter message. Shalom!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he’s fully
recovered now.

I met a butcher who backed into the sausage grinder and got a little behind
in his work.

I met an optician who fell into the lens-grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.

I met a fellow who drove his car into a river in Paris and went in Seine.

I met a poet who locked himself in a church steeple to get inspired.

I met a mathematician who turned off his furnace this winter because he
wanted to be cold and calculating.

I met a Baskin Robbins worker who wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so
started attending sundae school.

I met a fellow who had kleptomania, but when it got bad he took something
for it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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The Pope was finishing his Palm Sunday sermon. He ended it with the Latin
phrase, “Tutti Homini” – Blessed be Mankind.

A women’s rights group quickly complained to papal officials. They noticed
that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tutti Homini,
et Tutti Femini” – Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they
noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also
bless gay people. The Pope said, “Sure”.

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti
Femini, et Tutti Fruiti.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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January 1st: “My children and I will learn Hebrew this year.”
April 1st: “My children and I will weekly eat one dozen bagels with lox.”

January 1st: “I will get the kids the pet they’ve always wanted.”
April 1st: “I will buy a collar and a leash for my chia plant.”

January 1st: “I will make only home-made yogurt from only organic
ingredients.”
April 1st: “I will allow my children only two Gogurts in their mouth at a
time.”

January 1st: “I will take my children to a museum once a month.”
April 1st: “I will show my kids where I ate super chili dogs in high
school.”

January 1st: “I will make sure my children eat multi-grain fiber-filled
items at each meal.”
April 1st: “I will store my bag of Krispy Kreme doughnuts next to a bottle
of Metamucil.”

January 1st: “I will feature a Van Gogh each month on our coffee table.”
April 1st: “I will fill up our van at the Stop and Go.”

January 1st: “We will never eat food in the car this year.”
April 1st: “We will quit using our gas grill in the car this year.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Living in Wyoming, I loved the outdoors. Because of my passion for hunting
and fishing, my family has always eaten a considerable amount of wild game.

We eat so much wild game, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of
broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my daughter looked up and said:

“Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Wife to Husband: “I think the Pastor is on a diet. He kept mumbling about
being good low-carb Christians, and not partaking of the forbidden fruit.”

Assistant Pastor to Pastor: “It was tough to keep their attention during the
service, but you kept them awake. Many have yawned, but few are dozin’.”

Boy to Mother: “Pastor is NOT a man of the cloth. I saw him use the
electric hand dryer.”

Two little girls: “I know why the Reverend told us to do some sole
searching. I checked mine and found gum, tape and a squished bug. Gross.”

Youth Pastor to teens: “I have compiled a list of items you cannot bring on
the overnight camping trip. I’m calling them the Tent Commandments.”

Teen to Youth Pastor: “Are sins of omission the sins I should have committed
but didn’t?”

Son to his parents: “I am NOT going to church on Easter. Pastor is going to
throw eggs at all of us. He already said his message is ‘Take my yoke upon
you.’”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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“Walking down a path through some woods, I saw a water puddle ahead on the
path. I angled my direction to go around it on the part of the path that
wasn’t covered by water and mud. As I reached the puddle, I was suddenly
attacked!

“Yet I did nothing for the attack was so unpredictable and from a source so
totally unexpected. I was startled as well as unhurt, despite having been
struck four or five times already. I backed up a foot and my attacker
stopped attacking me. Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on
graceful butterfly wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn’t have
found it amusing, but I was unhurt, it was funny, and I was laughing. After
all, I was being attacked by a butterfly!

“Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me
again. He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me over
and over again with all his might, still to no avail. For a second time, I
retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack.

“Yet again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was
rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to do, other
than to retreat a third time. After all, it’s just not everyday that one is
attacked by a “killer” butterfly. This time, though, I stepped back several
paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land on
the ground. That’s when I discovered why my attacker was charging me only
moments earlier.

“He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside the puddle where he landed.
Sitting close beside her, he opened and closed his wings as if to fan her. I
could only admire the love and courage of that butterfly in his concern for
his mate. He had taken it upon himself to attack me for his mate’s sake,
even though she was clearly dying and I was so large. He did so just to give
her those extra few precious moments of life, should I have been careless
enough to step on her.

“Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one
option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the other
side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely muddy. His
courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and heavier than
himself just for his mate’s safety justified it. I couldn’t do anything
other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side of the puddle.
He had truly earned those moments to be with her, undisturbed. I left them
in peace for those last few moments, cleaning the mud from my boots when I
later reached my car.

“Since then, I’ve always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly
whenever I see huge obstacles facing me. I use that butterfly’s courage as
an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth fighting
for.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[What a way to start out April with three days of really bad puns and
word-plays. But that's it. Maybe. April 15th is coming! Always a joke!]

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race whose
planet is entirely covered by one gigantic shopping center. The skeptical
scientists didn’t believe it at first, but they’ve now confirmed that it’s a
mall world after all.

The hardware store clerk asked whether I wanted it measured in Pounds or
Kilos, so I just told him that either weigh would do.

An author did all his writing from a study beneath his house. It was a very
cryptic book, but it was at a bargain-basement price, so he ended up with a
best cellar.

It just dawned on me that I a.m. a morning person.

Horses may get into the movies, but they’re usually saddled with the bit
parts.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night
wondering if there was a dog.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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He made money sending thousands of junk emails to people, but one day he
made a mistake and sent a whole load of them to a famous Hollywood actress.
She was so angry that she had him beaten up, and that’s how he came to be
known as The Star Mangled Spammer.

I know a farmer who has 200 head of cattle. He thought there were only 196
until he rounded them up.

Buffalo, NY became a city in 1832. In 2032, when the city of Buffalo is 200
years old, the mayor plans to hold a Bison-tennial Festival.

The mailman delivered a package the other day, but when it arrived it was
all damp. I complained at the post office, and they said it must have had
postage dew.

Did you know that James Bond once slept right through an earthquake? He was
shaken; not stirred.

There’s a new program on TV about origami. I don’t watch it, since it’s
paper view.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Here are some feeble attempts at puns for a new month. No foolin’.

“Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him
very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.”

“My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.”

“I knew someone once who was a monorail enthusiast.
He had a one track mind.”

“The price of chess pieces was going up.
I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.”

“Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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