04/30/09 Grif.Net – Redneck Haiku

[As you may already know, Haiku has 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first
line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. Here are some suggestions.]

OPTIONS
Unemployment’s out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Neighbor kid’s been playing with
Gasoline again

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can’t fit big screen TV through
Doublewide’s front door

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps

DEPRIVED
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups back side

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No night crawlers to be found
Guess we’ll gig some frogs

HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
That darn Jeff Gordon

DESIRE
In that bathing suit
You make me almost forget
That you’re my cousin

OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart

DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 o’clock

IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/29/09 Grif.Net – Important Things My Kids Taught Me

[All credit to an old Ann Landers clipping that listed "Important Things My
Kids Taught Me"]

*It’s more fun to color outside the lines.

*If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

*Ask why until you understand.

*Save a place in line for your friends.

*If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

*Making your bed is a waste of time.

*If your dog doesn’t like somebody, you probably shouldn’t either.

*Toads aren’t ugly. They’re just toads.

*Keep banging until someone opens the door.

*Don’t pop someone else’s bubble.

*You shouldn’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.

*Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/28/09 Grif.Net – More Measurements

[Can't let this day pass without special birthday love and a prayer for my
sweet wife Teresa. I won't reveal her age, but as of today no one will be
able to say she is 60. She is a gifted healer and used mightily by God in
her special ministry to help thousands have better health. I am most
blessed to have her by my side.

Growing older is not an option; growing up is! Hence the fun of sending the
Grif.Net out each day to cause a chuckle or groan, and let us never forget
to revel in the joy and grace God gives His children every day.]

1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone

1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles

500 millineries = 1 seminary

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 piccolos = 1 gigolo

10 millipedes 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents 1 decadent

5 holocausts = 1 Pentecost

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

2 wharves = 1 paradox

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

3 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V.
League

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/27/09 Grif.Net – Measurements

[Here are some new measurements to add to our growing list of terms]

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong

365 days of drinking diet beverages = 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/25/09 Weekend Grif.Net – Socialism?

Interesting story: Norman M. Thomas (1884-1968) – some of us are old enough
to remember him running for President – was a leading American socialist,
pacifist, and six-time presidential candidate for the Socialist Party of
America.

Norman Thomas said in a 1944 speech: “The American people will never
knowingly adopt socialism.

04/24/09 Grif.Net – Important Questions

[Trying to beat another snow-storm driving home. Winter will not end! But
that does not stop me from asking you these VERY IMPORTANT questions:]

What do you get when you cross . . .

A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.

A dog with a cantaloupe? A melon-collie baby.

A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.

A duck with a steamroller? A flat duck.

A fawn with a hornet? Bambee.

A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.

A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.

A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.

A vulture with a small grass house? A scavenger hut.

An Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.

An owl with a goat? A hootenanny.

The Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love

04/23/09 Grif.Net – E-mail Junkie

TOP TEN SIGNS you’re an E-mail Junkie . . .

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail
on the way back to bed.

2. You name your firstborn child Dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your
child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free Internet access.

6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period in your reports even
when using a computer for non-internet work.com

7. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

8. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

9. Your cat has its own FaceBook page.

10. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Bonus: You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/22/09 Grif.Net – Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back over spring break and had to wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and
was not noticeable at all.

On the first day after break, still with the cast under his shirt, he found
himself in his classroom of the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest about ten times.

Don’t think discipline will be a problem for the rest of the school year!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/21/09 Grif.Net – Titanic

We mentioned the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic on April 15th,
1912 (nothing to do with the IRS if you can believe the government). Many
lives were lost, as was her unique cargo of 10 tons of a new product called
“mayonnaise” shipped from Europe to expanding markets in North America

That’s probably why the Mexicans remember the anniversary with a special
feast day a few weeks later (May 5th) each year, and call it Sinko de Mayo.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/20/09 Grif.Net – Road Trip

Heading 700 miles today across one of the most un-scenic routes in America.
(Yep. Nebraska) Was asked if my wife would be along. We have had problems
driving in the past, so I am leaving her at home. Why?

Here’s an example of the last trip

TERESA DRIVING -
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives in Minneapolis presently.

BOB DRIVING -
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window
5. To spit
6. Pulls up to a 7-11
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large Slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way
back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
12. Almost hits a deer
13. Gripes because it is getting dark
14. Unhappy that wife is just sitting there, being useless
15. Drives and fiddles with radio.
16. Yells at you for suggesting the map again
17. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
18. Hates your sister ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
19. He had to look up pernicious.
20. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
21. Finally found a dictionary
22. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
23. Seethes at the memory of it all
24. But she is laughing inside…
25. And of course you’re both still lost.
26.

The list goes on. But you see why I had to leave her behind . . . :-)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/18/09 Weekend Grif.Net – History Lesson

[I am excited. On an upcoming trip to Canada and New England later this year
I have planned an entire day in the Boston area to visit both the Lexington
and Concord battlefields, the birthplace of the Revolution. The poem will
take on visual meaning.]

Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
on the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five; hardly a man is now alive who
remembers that famous day and year.

He said to his friend, “If the British march by land or sea from the town
to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch of the North Church tower as a
signal light,-
One if by land, and two if by sea; and I on the opposite shore will be ready
to ride and spread the alarm through every Middlesex village and farm, for
the country folk to be up and to arm.”

Then he said “Good-night!” and with muffled oar silently rowed to the
Charlestown shore, just as the moon rose over the bay, where swinging wide
at her moorings lay the Somerset, British man-of-war; a phantom ship, with
each mast and spar across the moon like a prison bar, and a huge black hulk,
that was magnified by its own reflection in the tide.

Meanwhile, his friend through alley and street wanders and watches, with
eager ears, till in the silence around him he hears the muster of men at the
barrack door, the sound of arms, and the tramp of feet, and the measured
tread of the grenadiers, marching down to their boats on the shore.

Then he climbed the tower of the Old North Church, by the wooden stairs,
with stealthy tread, to the belfry chamber overhead, and startled the
pigeons from their perch on the somber rafters, that round him made masses
and moving shapes of shade,- by the trembling ladder, steep and tall, to the
highest window in the wall, where he paused to listen and look down a moment
on the roofs of the town and the moonlight flowing over all.

Beneath, in the churchyard, lay the dead, in their night encampment on the
hill, wrapped in silence so deep and still that he could hear, like a
sentinel’s tread, the watchful night-wind, as it went creeping along from
tent to tent, and seeming to whisper, “All is well!” A moment only he feels
the spell of the place and the hour, and the secret dread of the lonely
belfry and the dead; for suddenly all his thoughts are bent on a shadowy
something far away, where the river widens to meet the bay,- a line of black
that bends and floats on the rising tide like a bridge of boats.

Meanwhile, impatient to mount and ride, booted and spurred, with a heavy
stride on the opposite shore walked Paul Revere. Now he patted his horse’s
side, now he gazed at the landscape far and near, then, impetuous, stamped
the earth, and turned and tightened his saddle girth; but mostly he watched
with eager search the belfry tower of the Old North Church, as it rose above
the graves on the hill, lonely and spectral and somber and still. And lo!
as he looks, on the belfry’s height a glimmer, and then a gleam of light! He
springs to the saddle, the bridle he turns, but lingers and gazes, till full
on his sight a second lamp in the belfry burns.

A hurry of hoofs in a village street, a shape in the moonlight, a bulk in
the dark, and beneath, from the pebbles, in passing, a spark struck out by a
steed flying fearless and fleet; that was all! And yet, through the gloom
and the light, the fate of a nation was riding that night; and the spark
struck out by that steed, in his flight, kindled the land into flame with
its heat. He has left the village and mounted the steep, and beneath him,
tranquil and broad and deep, is the Mystic, meeting the ocean tides; and
under the alders that skirt its edge, now soft on the sand, now loud on the
ledge, is heard the tramp of his steed as he rides.

It was twelve by the village clock when he crossed the bridge into Medford
town. He heard the crowing of the cock, and the barking of the farmer’s dog,
and felt the damp of the river fog that rises after the sun goes down.

It was one by the village clock, when he galloped into Lexington. He saw
the gilded weathercock swim in the moonlight as he passed, and the
meeting-house windows, black and bare, gaze at him with a spectral glare, as
if they already stood aghast at the bloody work they would look upon.

It was two by the village clock, when he came to the bridge in Concord town.
He heard the bleating of the flock, and the twitter of birds among the
trees, and felt the breath of the morning breeze blowing over the meadow
brown. And one was safe and asleep in his bed who at the bridge would be
first to fall, who that day would be lying dead, pierced by a British musket
ball.

You know the rest. In the books you have read how the British Regulars fired
and fled – how the farmers gave them ball for ball, from behind each fence
and farmyard wall, chasing the redcoats down the lane, then crossing the
fields to emerge again under the trees at the turn of the road, and only
pausing to fire and load.

So through the night rode Paul Revere; and so through the night went his cry
of alarm to every Middlesex village and farm,- a cry of defiance, and not of
fear, a voice in the darkness, a knock at the door, and a word that shall
echo for evermore! For, borne on the night-wind of the Past, through all
our history, to the last, in the hour of darkness and peril and need, the
people will waken and listen to hear the hurrying hoof-beats of that steed,
and the midnight message of Paul Revere.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/17/09 Grif.Net – Shopping Trip

A blind man walked into a department store with his seeing-eye dog on a
leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter
looked up, noticed the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly
looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager saw the blind man start swinging
the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager ran over and said
“Mister is there a problem – is there anything I can help you with?”

The blind man calmly replied, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

04/16/09 Grif.Net – Available

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in “The Villages,” a Florida
adult community. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I lived here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“Why did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh!” says the woman. “So you’re single?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”