03/16/09 Grif.Net – New Movies

There’s a new movie out this weekend. It’s about the time that Marc Antony’s
wife was a slumlord in the Mideast in World War I.

It’s called “Low Rents of Octavia.”

~~
There’s another new movie out this week. It’s about a crusading attorney in
the Deep South who heroically invoices a swaying piece of coagulated milk.

It’s called “To Bill A Rocking Curd.”

~~
Still looking for a movie? This one’s about an ursine version of Ms.
Karenina who, after a doomed love affair, commits suicide by throwing
herself on a chainsaw.

It’s called “Anna Bear To Dismember.”

~~
One more? It’s about a domestic fowl that haunts a famous expert in
mind-body medicine.

It’s called “Bantam of the Chopra.”

~~
Last one. Promise. This movie is about a disfigured mediocre French bistro
chef who becomes a world-renowned auto mechanic. It’s called “The Brunch
Hack of Motor Fame.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/14/09 Weekend BIRTHDAY Grif.Net – Yep, 61 Today

[For new subscribers to the Grif.Net: on Monday-Friday we send out a
slightly warped blend of humor. On the weekend we send out material that is
more serious of a moral, ethical, religious or political nature. This
weekend I think it odd to be celebrating two birthdays. Thought I'd share a
little of my personal story (and my heart) with all the faithful Grif.Net
readers even if you've heard it before!]

PART ONE:
March 14, 1948 was a momentous day for Bud and Helen Griffin of Minneapolis.
Bud had come home from WWII in the Philippines and now they were expecting a
baby. A strapping little baby boy, Robert Edward Griffin, Jr, was born at
the Swedish Hospital that morning, at just over 7 pounds. While the family
was dirt poor, they had each other, lots of kin folk, and even more love
than any family deserves.

I did not walk until 24 months. I did not talk until 26 months. They
actually took me to a specialist (a Jewish doctor) to find out if I was
retarded. Don’t get ahead of me. He said “No” and indicated that once I
started to talk, they would never be able to shut me up. Prophetic!

I almost died that 2nd summer. TB was rampant and I could not breath. So it
was recommended to put me in a tuberculosis sanatorium (note the spelling)
and hope I would survive. Once there, I was tested and found to “only” have
bronchial asthma and sent home.

Polio hit our block in 1956. It killed a couple of my classmates and
crippled Jerry up the alley from us. The tragedy and reality of death
brought a new sincerity to our prayers and search for God.

From there it was growing up during the Korean War, H-bomb drills in school
(like hiding under a desk would help) and drifting from religion to religion
- Jewish to Catholic to ???

PART TWO
March 17, 1957, was the second most momentous day. My mother had been
sending my sister and me to a nearby Baptist church in the inner city of
Minneapolis. There God began to do a work in my heart. Now, I wasn’t a BAD
kid – hey, I was only in 4th grade for goodness sake! But I knew I was a
sinner worthy of God’s judgment. And with the very real threat that my
world could end any day through sickness or war, I was not ready!

Guess I should thank God for ordaining my salvation from before the
foundation of the world, because I’m living fulfillment of the verse in Acts
13:48 ” . . as many as were ordained to eternal life believed.” Wow. All
of a sudden my feeble faith (that was the regenerative work of the Holy
Spirit) on that March 17th cried out to God to save me from hell and wash
away my sin. It was ALL God’s grace. Kinda like a baby celebrating his
birthday – the baby had not really ANYTHING to do with it! Conceived and
delivered by miracle – all the baby does is get squeegeed out and start
crying!

But that day changed the course of the rest of my life. Oh, life went on
with school, college, grad work, marriage and three wonderful kids of my
own, 10 grandkids, pastoring, and serving as a college dean and professor.
But I was “born again” – not out of some emotional hype of high-pressure
salesmanship or from a knee-jerk reaction to a movie, but an inner moving of
God that has never left me and continues to give fulfillment and purpose to
my life.

So, born physically March 14th, born again March 17th. And now, facing
heaven. All of us “boomers” are facing our own mortality. When in 2003 the
doctors said “2-3 years at the most” it hung heavily around my neck. Nobody
is sure of ANY day, but we all plan like there will be endless tomorrows.

But you know, I didn’t have a thing to do with my day of birth. I didn’t
have a thing to do with being the recipient of God’s grace. And I won’t
have a thing to do with the day that HE has appointed for me to go to heaven
- whether at 61 or 91! I don’t believe doctors and I sure don’t trust them
(don’t tell my wife, the doctor). I believe God has a plan. I wasn’t born
by accident and wasn’t born again by accident either. GOD is the blessed
controller of all things. And until that plan is complete, and not a minute
sooner, I plan to live every day to the fullest!

So today, March 14th, I was rejoicing that God has given me another year to
live, celebrating it with cake and candles (and fire extinguisher, just in
case). And come St. Bob’s Day on Tuesday, March 17th (hey, I became a saint
then, you know, so sharing it with Patrick) I won’t be wearin’ the green.
Since my second birth, I’ve been wearing robes of righteousness! And
waiting to see my Lord at His divinely appointed time.

Thanks for listening. And trust YOU can celebrate TWO birthdays in 2009 as
well.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/13/09 Grif.Net – Stock Market Definitions

STOCK MARKET DEFINITIONS FOR SAVVY 2009 INVESTORS

CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investment banker to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — My life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who should be now locked up in
a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/11/09 Grif.Net – Expensive

10 Most Expensive Catastrophes in History

#10 Titanic – $150 Million
#9 Tanker Truck vs. Bridge – $358 Million
#8 Metro Link Crash – $500 Million
#7 B-2 Bomber Crash – $1.4 Billion
#6 Exxon Valdez – $2.5 Billion
#5 Piper Alpha Oil Rig – $3.4 Billion
#4 Challenger Explosion – $5.5 Billion
#3 Prestige Oil Spill – $12 Billion
#2 Space Shuttle Columbia – $13 Billion
#1 Chernobyl Nuclear Meltdown – $200 Billion

Compare this to the catastrophe of our new President? $1 Trillion in the
first month and more of my grandkids future to come

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/10/09 Grif.Net – Overheard Conversations

Norinne – “I just joined a group of Accordion Players”
Teresa – “Oh,” (kiddingly) “is it a Twelve-Step Group?”
Norinne – “No, it’s a One-and-a-Two step group”

Mourner at funeral – “He looks so natural”
Widow – “You should have seen him two weeks ago.”

Friend – “What time is it?”
Lizzie Borden – “I don’t know; I’ll go ax father.”

Crew member – “Who will steer the Jolly Roger when you sleep at night?”
Long John Silver – “No one. I’ll just put the ship on auto-pirate.”

Policeman – “Why are you carrying a desk on your back, with a chair in one
hand and a wastebasket in the other?”
Mike – “I’m impersonating an office, sir.”

Anna – “Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?”
Susan – “Someone told him to get a long little doggie.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/09/09 Grif.Net – Feds

A Federal Agent from the Bureau of Land Management: Department of Water
stopped by a ranch west of Casper and talked with an old rancher. He told
the codger, “I need to inspect your farm for your irrigation allocation.”

The old rancher said, “OK, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The Water representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me. See this CARD? This CARD means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I WANT on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, he heard loud
screams and saw the Water Representative running for the fence. Close
behind was the rancher’s huge prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water
Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his
tools, ran to the fence and shouted out – “Your card! Your card! Show him
your card!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/06/09 Grif.Net – Safety Statistics

[Today is the 36th anniversary of my ordination. After pastoring a few years
following grad school in Dec 1970, my church asked me to stand for
ordination. We also brought our firstborn son home from the hospital that
day - what a joyous (and stressful) day! Was thinking about that when I came
on these statistics]

Avoid riding in automobiles. Automobiles are responsible for 27% of all
fatal accidents.

But do not stay home. 22% of all accidents occur in the home. And stay out
of the bathroom, where more than 50% of the home-accidents happen.

Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks. 14% of all accidents occur to
pedestrians.

Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water. 16% of all fatal accidents involve
these.

Eating (choking, allergies, poison) results in another 18% of accidental
deaths.

You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship
services at church, and these are usually related to previous physical
disorders.

Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place to be at any given point in
time is at church. Bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during
Bible study or prayer is even less.

For safety’s sake, attend Church, read your Bible, and pray … IT COULD
SAVE YOUR LIFE (and your Soul)!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/05/09 Grif.Net – Doctors’ Opinions of the Economic Bailout

THE DOCTORS’ OPINION OF THE BAILOUT (from Peggy Randle)

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception, and the
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said,
“Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, as the Radiologists
could see right through it.

The Naturopaths said everyone was ignoring the real causes, and the Surgeons
decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists told Congress . . .

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/04/09 Grif.Net – March Word Play

A delegation of indigenous Mexicans went on a state visit to China. Of
course, there was a formal banquet planned.

The Chinese chef had read that their ancient culture believed that, when you
eat something, you absorb the qualities of that animal or plant. So he
prepared a dinner of stir-fried lion meat.

The visitors were delighted, and asked to speak with the chef. “Is this a
meal you regularly serve, or did you make it just for us?” they asked.

“Just for you,” the chef replied. “Because you’re Mayan, I wok the lion.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/03/09 Grif.Net – Pearls of Wisdom

[A string of a dozen Pearls of Wisdom from "A Prairie Home Companion"]

If it weren’t for Venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us.

During the Stone Age men took everything for granite.

Shouldn’t one ask for ‘stop coughing’ medicine?

A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.

Is it true that ‘DNA’ stands for National Dyslexics Association?

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

The difference between “in-laws” and “outlaws” is simple: Outlaws are
wanted.

If the shoe fits, buy the other one.

If at first you don’t succeed, try shortstop.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

03/02/09 Grif.Net – New Coffee Maker

My cousin is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. A few weeks
ago she and her husband were shopping and he bought her one of those fancy
drip electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

The sales clerk carefully explained to her how everything worked. He
thought he was clear when he taught her how to plug it in, put in the water
and coffee/filter, set the timer, go to bed, and, upon rising, the coffee
would be ready.

A few weeks later she was back in the store and the clerk asked her how she
liked the coffee maker.

“Wonderful!” she replied. “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”