Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote
it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee
to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly
the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and
Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed State Director of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet
paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Back snug at home after 2500+ travel. Visualize 6 grandkids all sitting
around "Grandpa" and singing at the top of our lungs "Grandma's Feather Bed"
and you can understand the past 10 days! But loved every minute!]

Here are some jokes t0 make the grandkids laugh while I’m gone . . .

Patient – Doctor, you must do something for me. I snore so loudly, I wake
myself up.
Doctor – In that case, I would advise you to sleep in another room.

Pirate – Captain, why are you walking on deck with a paper towel on your
hair?
Captain – Arrrgh, matey, there be a bounty on my head.

Diner – I heard fish is brain food but I don’t really care for it. Any
suggestions?
Waitress – You could always try noodle soup.

Customer – My wife has fallen arches. What do you recommend?
Salesman – Rubber heels
Customer – Okay, but with what?

Grandson – Why do ducks fly south for the winter?
Grandpa – It’s too far to walk.

Dad – Our son is so lazy he’s going to the dogs
Mom – He’s even lazier; the dogs will have to come to him.

Sam – Hey, that’s a slick looking watch. How long will it last?
Pam – Not long. Its hours are numbered.

Teacher – Why are you shivering, Bob?
Bob – Must be the zero on my test paper.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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I have to admit it. My liberal friends were right.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation’s Hope

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According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal
bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has
been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated, “Wash. Biol. Surv.”

The following letter from an Arkansas camper caused the change: “Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I
followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to tell you it
was horrible.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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While driving along the back roads of a small town in Wyoming, two truckers
from Alabama came to an railroad overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE
11’3″. They got out and measured their rig, which was 12’4″.

“What do you think?” one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first and stepped on
it. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[This is a "rerun" from 13 years ago when I was teaching college full time.
I was reminded of it when I was playing with grandkids and mentioned a
"happy fizzies
party". Needless to say, that anachronism was as out of place as Pinkie
Lee, Howdy Doody, or even Archie Bunker. This is a SECOND generation
removed from how I grew up.]

On the subject of becoming a dinosaur (or as my students affectionately
refer to me as a “fossil”), ask YOURSELF if YOU Remember . . .

Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and soda
pop.

When there were only 2 types of sneakers for boys, & girls wouldn’t wear
them.

When boys couldn’t wear anything but leather shoes to school.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

When nearly everyone’s parents smoked.

When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.

When everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.

When nobody owned a purebred dog.

When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.

When you’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done
everyday.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking . . . for free, every time.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents.

When colleges threatened to give a student an “F” if they did not do the
work or attend classes . . . and actually did!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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[Yesterday's entire "special" paragraph was missing the most common letter
in the English alphabet - E. In honor of me watching Wall-E 4 times with my
grandkids . . and going crazy!!]

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one.
“Me, too,” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of
worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. “I’m
so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree”, said the first robin.
“Me, neither. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the
second. They plopped down, enjoying the afternoon sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat sneaked up and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I
just love baskin’ robins.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that
you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with
it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still
may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Try to do so without any coaching!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A woman was walking home one winter eve and came upon a snake that was
freezing to death. The snake begged her to take him into her home and let
him warm up. She told the snake that she could not do this as he was a
snake and would surely bite her. The snake promised to behave and convinced
the woman to help him.

So she took the snake home, started a fire, and nursed him back to health,
at which point the snake bit her. With her dying breath, she said, “You
promised to behave if I welcomed you into my home and made you well.” To
which the snake replied, “What did you expect? I’m a snake.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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In 1875, a Danish couple converted to become Mormons and moved to Cache
Valley, Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were
self-sufficient for a couple of years.

By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of
the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he conspired with a
Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her.

“Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision,” said
the husband. “Whatever God tells us, that’s what we’ll do.”

They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started
with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he
posed the question: “Heavenly Father, should I take another wife?”

Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most
booming, deep voice he could muster, said, “Brother Madsen, I command thee
to take another wife.”

After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was
sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, “There, there,
a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a
replacement for you. I’ll still love you just as much.”

Mrs. Madsen said, “I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I’ve
been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER
imagined that God was a Swede!”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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A Native American (nee Indian) returned home to the reservation after
serving in the Army. While in the Army he became an accomplished
electrician. He was sitting around smoking the peace pipe one evening when
the Chief suggested that he might put lights and heat in the outdoor
toilets.

He is reputed to be the first person in North America to wire a head for a
reservation.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke.
She drove wildly to get him to the emergency Room. After what seemed like a
very long wait, the ER doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid that your uncle’s brain is dead but his heart is
still beating.”

“Oh, dear,” cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock. “What will I tell people? We’ve never had a Democrat in the family
before!”

[feel free to change that to reflect your particular political view]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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Happy St Patrick’s Day. While I am Scot and Welsh, I do have a drunken
grandfather whose family came over from Ireland during the famine. Mom said
I should be thankful I lost the Irish blood in me when I had a nosebleed at
age 7.

But love the humor.

Q. What is Irish and stays out in all kinds of weather?
A. Paddy O’Furniture

Q. “Mom, I have the biggest feet of all 3rd graders! Is that because I’m
Irish?”
A. “No. It’s because you’re 17.”

Q. “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he
answers with another question?”
A. “Who told you that?”

Q. “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”
A. “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”

Q. “Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?”
A. “Because they’re always a little short”

Q. “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?”
A. “No, but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”

Q. Do you know why the best astronauts were Irish?
A. Because they took up space in school for twelve years.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

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