02/13/09 Grif.Net – Friday the 13th, say What?

Those who purport to know about these things (from a magazine called ‘Mental
Floss’), inform us that Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden
on a Friday, Noah’s flood started on a Friday, and Christ was crucified on a
Friday. In early America, it was noted that twelve witches plus one devil
were present at Satanic ceremonies, so Friday and 13 make a deadly
combination.

The number 13 is a place where numbers reach a new level when it comes to
common items. There are 12 months in a year, 12 inches in a foot, 12 items
in a dozen, 12 signs of the zodiac, and when we learn our multiplication
tables in school, they go all the way up to 12 times 12.

The modern-day fear of 13 is based on Norse mythology. According to the
saga, 12 gods were dining at Valhalla when a 13th guest named Loki joined
the party. Loki ended up causing the death of Balder, the Norse god of light
and joy. From that day forward (the legend goes) the number 13 has been
unlucky.

In places WITHOUT influence of Norse/European mythology (think China and
much of Asia), the date is considered fortunate. And in Australia, lottery
agents report a brisk business every Friday the 13th, selling 50 percent
more tickets than an average Friday on those days.

The spookiest person born on Friday the 13th has to be Alfred Hitchcock. He
was born on Friday, August 13, 1899. The Master of Suspense died back in
1980, but had he lived to be 100, Hitchcock would have hit the century mark
in August of 1999, again on Friday the 13th.

An ABC News report about the impact of Friday the 13th records that
businesses lose nearly one billion dollars every Friday the 13th, owing to
everything from people who stay home from work to those who won’t travel on
the unlucky day. Some of this loss is due to lower volume on the stock
market, but investors shouldn’t be frightened of Friday the 13th. A study
looking at stock prices over the last 50 years proved that the Dow performs
better on Friday the 13th than on other Fridays.

Bell Labs reports that at 11:31:30pm UTC (6:31 30 seconds pm Eastern Time)
on Friday, Feb 13, 2009, Unix time will reach 1,234,567,890. Now if there
was any reason to fear Friday the 13th, I think this is it. It may signify
the end of the sequence of time or that the prophecies of Revelation are
upon us.

Short Friday the 13th Quiz:
What’s the maximum number of Friday the 13ths that can occur in a calendar
year?
What is the minimum number?
How many months in 2009 will we have a Friday the 13th

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/11/09 Grif.Net – House in Heaven

After many years, former Denver Bronco Coach Mike Shanahan died and entered
the Pearly Gates. God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Shanahan a little
two-room cottage with a faded Denver Broncos banner hanging from the front
porch. “This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses
up here,” God says.

Coach Shanahan looked at his little house, then turned around and saw one
sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge three-story mansion with white
marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Green and gold
Green Bay Packer flags line one side of the sidewalk, while red and white
Badger banners line the other. A huge picture of Vince Lombardi on a banner
hangs between the marble columns.

Mike is incredulous. “Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a
question. I get this little two-room cottage with a faded banner and Bart
Starr gets a huge mansion with Packers banners and flags flying all over the
place. Why is that?”

God looks at Shanahan seriously for a moment. “That’s not Bart’s house,”
God says. “That’s my house.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/10/09 Grif.Net – Pun o’the Month

One
doctor always stopped at a local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri =
- a
special drink created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of =
hazelnut
flavor so he substituted hickory nuts =
instead.


The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, ‘This isn’t my usual =
hazelnut
daiquiri, is it?’


‘No, I’m sorry’, replied the bartender, ‘it’s a hickory daiquiri, =
doc.’

 

~~

Dr
Bob Griffin

"Jesus
knows me, this I love"

 

02/09/09 Grif.Net – New Meds Coming Soon

The enormous success of VIAGRA has spurred the drug manufacturer to spawn a
whole line of drugs oriented towards IMPROVING MEN in today’s society.
Grif.Net readers may be among the first to read about 8 drugs currently
being tested:

DIRECTRA — a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 79% of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared
to the control group of only 0.02%.

PROJECTRA — Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA — Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little
accidents.”

COMPLIMENTRA — In clinical trials, 86% of middle-aged men administered this
drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to
see if its side-effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA — Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts for Valentine’s Day after taking
this drug. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorites store’s return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA — This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA — This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

LIAGRA — This drug causes Democrat Cabinet Members who cheat on their
income taxes (or on their wives) to suddenly become honest. Will be
available in Regular-, Grand Jury- and Presidential-strength versions.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/07/09 Weekend Grif.Net – World Islamization

ISLAM is not a religion, nor is it a cult. In its fullest form, it is a
complete, total, 100% system of life. ISLAM has religious, legal, political,
economic, social, and military components. The religious component is a
beard for all of the other components.

Islamization begins when there are sufficient Muslims in a country to
agitate for their religious privileges. When politically correct, tolerant,
and culturally diverse societies agree to Muslim demands for their religious
privileges, some of the other components tend to creep in as well. Here’s
how it works.

As long as the Muslim population remains around or under 2% in any given
country, they will for the most part be regarded as a peace-loving minority,
and not as a threat to other citizens. This is the case in:
United States — Muslim 0.6%
Australia — Muslim 1.5%
Canada — Muslim 1.9%
China — Muslim 1.8%
Italy — Muslim 1.5%
Norway — Muslim 1.8%

At 2% to 5%, they begin to proselytize from other ethnic minorities and
disaffected groups, often with major recruiting from the jails and among
street gangs. This is happening in:
Denmark — Muslim 2%
Germany — Muslim 3.7%
United Kingdom — Muslim 2.7%
Spain — Muslim 4%
Thailand — Muslim 4.6%

From 5% on, they exercise an inordinate influence in proportion to their
percentage of the population. For example, they will push for the
introduction of halal (clean by Islamic standards) food, thereby securing
food preparation jobs for Muslims. They will increase pressure on
supermarket chains to feature halal on their shelves — along with threats
for failure to comply. This is occurring in:
France — Muslim 8%
Philippines — Muslim 5%
Sweden — Muslim 5%
Switzerland — Muslim 4.3%
The Netherlands — Muslim 5.5%
Trinidad & Tobago — Muslim 5.8%

At this point, they will work to get the ruling government to allow them to
rule themselves (within their ghettos) under Sharia, the Islamic Law. The
ultimate goal of Islamists is to establish Sharia law over the entire world.

When Muslims approach 10% of the population, they tend to increase
lawlessness as a means of complaint about their conditions. In Paris, we are
already seeing car-burnings. Any non-Muslim action offends Islam, and
results in uprisings and threats, such as in Amsterdam, with opposition to
Mohammed cartoons and films about Islam. Such tensions are seen daily,
particularly in Muslim sections, in:
Guyana — Muslim 10%
India — Muslim 13.4%
Israel — Muslim 16%
Kenya — Muslim 10%
Russia — Muslim 15%

After reaching 20%, nations can expect hair-trigger rioting, jihad militia
formations, sporadic killings, and the burnings of Christian churches and
Jewish synagogues, such as in:
Ethiopia — Muslim 32.8%

At 40%, nations experience widespread massacres, chronic terror attacks, and
ongoing militia warfare, such as in:
Bosnia — Muslim 40%
Chad — Muslim 53.1%
Lebanon — Muslim 59.7%

From 60%, nations experience unfettered persecution of non-believers of all
other religions (including non-conforming Muslims), sporadic ethnic
cleansing (genocide), use of Sharia Law as a weapon, and Jizya, the tax
placed on infidels, such as in:
Albania — Muslim 70%
Malaysia — Muslim 60.4%
Qatar — Muslim 77.5%
Sudan — Muslim 70%

After 80%, expect daily intimidation and violent jihad, some State-run
ethnic cleansing, and even some genocide, as these nations drive out the
infidels, and move toward 100% Muslim, such as has been experienced and in
some ways is on-going in:
Bangladesh — Muslim 83%
Egypt — Muslim 90%
Gaza — Muslim 98.7%
Indonesia — Muslim 86.1%
Iran — Muslim 98%
Iraq — Muslim 97%
Jordan — Muslim 92%
Morocco — Muslim 98.7%
Pakistan — Muslim 97%
Palestine — Muslim 99%
Syria — Muslim 90%
Tajikistan — Muslim 90%
Turkey — Muslim 99.8%
United Arab Emirates — Muslim 96%

100% will usher in the peace of ‘Dar-es-Salaam’ — the Islamic House of
Peace. Here there’s supposed to be peace, because everybody is a Muslim, the
Madrasses are the only schools, and the Koran is the only word, such as in:
Afghanistan — Muslim 100%
Saudi Arabia — Muslim 100%
Somalia — Muslim 100%
Yemen — Muslim 100%

Unfortunately, peace is never achieved, as in these 100% states the most
radical Muslims intimidate and spew hatred, and satisfy their blood lust by
killing less radical Muslims, for a variety of reasons.

“Before I was nine I had learned the basic canon of Arab life. It was me
against my brother; me and my brother against our father; my family against
my cousins and the clan; the clan against the tribe; the tribe against the
world, and all of us against the infidel.” — Leon Uris, ‘The Haj’

It is important to understand that in some countries, with well under 100%
Muslim populations, such as France, the minority Muslim populations live in
ghettos, within which they are 100% Muslim, and within which they live by
Sharia Law. The national police do not even enter these ghettos. There are
no national courts, nor schools, nor non-Muslim religious facilities. In
such situations, Muslims do not integrate into the community at large. The
children attend madrasses. They learn only the Koran. To even associate with
an infidel is a crime punishable with death. Therefore, in some areas of
certain nations, Muslim Imams and extremists exercise more power than the
national average would indicate.

Today’s 1.5 billion Muslims make up 22% of the world’s population. But their
birth rates dwarf the birth rates of Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews,
and all other believers. Muslims will exceed 50% of the world’s population
by the end of this century.

Adapted from Dr. Peter Hammond’s book: “Slavery, Terrorism and Islam:
The Historical Roots and Contemporary Threat”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/06/09 Grif.Net – On the way Home from Church

Little Jacob was crying on his way home from church. His father and mother
repeatedly asked him what was wrong.

Jacob finally replied, “The preacher said in his sermon that he wanted all
of us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”

~~

“The apocalypse will have lots of screaming and yelling,” Brian mentioned to
his father in the car after church. “I think that’s why the preacher kept
talking about four hoarse men.”

~~

Asked what she had learned during the service, Jan replied, “A Christian man
should have only one wife. That is called monotony.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/05/09 Grif.Net – Seagulls in Heaven

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay
dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/04/09 Grif.Net – Ecclesiastical Football Terms

Following Super Bowl XLIII and the official end of widowhood for many
football widows, here is a summary of some of the best “Ecclesiastical
Football” terms in our churches:

Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to
leave.

Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything
but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain)
during the service.

Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given
to the Lord’s work.

Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost
over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Sack – Where many sleepy-eyed parishioners wish they still were

Instant Replay – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s
illustrations.

Sudden Death – What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
preacher goes “overtime”.

Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run – Getting out of church quickly, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.

Two-Deep – Defense given by some who don’t like to think about the doctrinal
points of the sermon

Flex Defense – The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect your life.

Half-back Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for
the evening service.

Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”

02/03/09 Grif.Net – Senior Bumper Stickers

I’m
retired. I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired again =
today

 

I’m
in the initial stages of my golden years – SS, CD’s, =
IRA’s,
AARP…

 

Never
do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the =
paramedics

 

Old
age comes at a very bad time

 

I
was always taught to respect my elders. I’m so old, there’s =
no one
left to respect.

 

I
was at the beauty shop for nearly two hours – that was only for the =
estimate

 

I’m
so old that when I eat in a restaurant they ask for the money up =
front.

 

At
my age, everything I buy comes with a lifetime =
guarantee

 

According
to my best recollection, I don’t =
remember

 

Any
day above ground is a good one

 

Bald
and counting on global warming

 

Anybody
seen my teeth?

 

At
my age flowers scare me!

 

So
far this is the oldest I’ve ever been

 

It
ain’t the age. It’s the mileage

 

I’m
NOT a Senior Citizen. I’m a recycled =
teenager

 

I
said, LEAVE THAT PLUG ALONE!

 

~~

Dr
Bob Griffin

"Jesus
knows me, this I love"

 

02/02/09 Grif.Net – White House Contractor

[Note: The weekend Grif.Net inadvertently read 02/10 instead of 02/01. Can
anyone say "Fat Fingers"? Also, we started a grif.net site on Facebook for
any interested.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2227292338#/group.php?gid=52854105302

A number have joined and we are sending the grif.net to 50 new folks
starting today - if any get it and don't want it (or get duplicates) let us
know. We won't do anything, of course, but it will make you feel better to
complain.]

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C.; one from Illinois, one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky. They
all went with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor took out a tape measure and did some measuring,
then worked some figures with a pencil. ‘Well’, he said, ‘I figure the job
will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit
for me.’

The Kentucky contractor also did some measuring and figuring, then said, ‘I
can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me.’

The Illinois contractor didn’t measure or figure, but leaned over to the
White House official and whispered, ‘$2,700.’

The official, incredulous, whispered back, ‘You didn’t even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’

The Illinois contractor replied, ‘$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire
that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.’

‘Done,’ replied the government official.

And that, my friends, is how our government works!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin
“Jesus knows me, this I love”