07/16/08 Grif.Net – Suthranisms

07/16/08 Grif.Net – Suthranisms

[Joyce forwarded these examples of “speaking Suthran”]

When you hear someone say, ‘Well, I caught myself lookin’,’ you know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say ‘sweet tea’ and ‘sweet milk.’ Sweet tea indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened.
‘Sweet milk’ means you don’t want buttermilk.

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption
fit, and that you don’t ‘HAVE’ them, you ‘PITCH’ them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up ‘a mess.’

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long’ directly’ is. As in: ‘Going to
town, be back directly.’

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that ‘fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we’re ‘in
line,’ we talk to everybody!

Even Southern babies know that ‘Gimme some sugar’ is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a little bowl in the middle of
the table.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, ‘Bless her heart’. And
go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on
Southernness as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I
ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.’

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah! Now,
Shugah, follow this advice and y’all might pass for a real Southerner, bless
your little heart!

Dr Bob Griffin,
“Jesus knows me, this I love”