[This is a 1999 actual job application of a 17-year-old boy submitted at a
McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida.]
NAME: Greg B_________
SEX: Waiting for marriage.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now!
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN BELOW:
Capricorn
[NOTE: Greg was hired because he was so honest and funny]
~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given