[From: Ed Chenel, a police officer in Australia; no claim on how accurate
his opinions or statistics are. But food for thought.]

I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under.

It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by a new
law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own
government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million
dollars.

The first year results are now in:
Australia-wide, homicides are up 6.2 percent;
Australia-wide, assaults are up 9.6 percent;
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent.
In my home state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300
percent.

(Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did
not and criminals still possess their guns!)

While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed
robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12
months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.

There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the
elderly, while the resident is at home.

Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has
decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in
“successfully ridding Australian society of guns.” You won’t see this on the
American evening news or hear your governor or members of the State Assembly
disseminating this information.

The Australian experience speaks for itself. Guns in the hands of honest
citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws affect only the
law-abiding citizens.

Take note Americans, before it’s too late!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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Melville Dewey (of Dewey Decimal library classification system fame) spelled
a common word GHEAUGHTEIGHPTOUGH following legitimate rules of English.

“GH” pronounced as in hiccough
“EAU” pronounced as in beau
“GHT” pronounced as in naught
“EIGH” pronounced as in neighbor
“PT” pronounced as in pterodactyl
and
“OUGH” pronounced as in though.

What word is GHEAUGHTEIGHPTOUGH?

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[My tax advisor is not making a lot of cents, but I'll share the wealth of
ideas he shared with me.]

There incomes a time in every person’s life when they become mired in
a hole world of debt, and at the expense of being cliche, ‘The only sure
thing in life is death of taxes’.

People spend more time making money and paying taxes when they
audit slow down a bit and take stock in what they have.

Personally, I think that kids that go to college and belong to
fraternal organizations should pay the burden of the taxes, hence,
I am all for any candidate that supports a Frat tax.

I would also be inclined to support a candidate who supports a tax
plan that would base a person’s tax rate on how much they weigh.
This would be known as the Fat tax plan. This would encourage people
to become fiscally fit.

One type of tax always amazes me. I mean why should anyone have
to pay taxes to support a tree. I am, of course, referring to
the FICUS tax that you always see on your pay stub. I am all for
saving trees but why should I have to fork over more green
for a particular one?

Another question comes to mind. By knocking off his wife, has OJ
slashed his tax bill in half? Is this fair? Personally, I don’t
think its a very knife thing to do. I mean why should he get to
have his taxes Cut. Personally, I think the government should
get a bigger Slice of the pie from him than me.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[After her recent cruise, Sharon Jackson wrote this prayer; throw stones at
her]

Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient cruising servants,
who are doomed to cruise this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards,
buying souvenirs, eating ourselves silly and walking around muggy Caribbean
islands in drip-dry underwear.

We beseech You, our Lord, to give us non-stop flights, to see that our
planes are not hijacked, our luggage is not lost, our overweight baggage
goes unnoticed, and that there is no hurricane anywhere on the planet during
our chosen cruise week.

Protect us from zealous Immigrations Officers who swear our “certified
copies of our birth certificates” are forged; from suspicious Customs
Inspectors who insist on seeing the $1,000 worth of T-shirts we bought in
Nassau; from unscrupulous over-charging Jamaican taxi cab drivers, from
avaricious porters who would search our bags and discard all the soda
therein, and from Guest Relations Clerks whose knowledge of the English
language stops at “This ship is full. Don’t even THINK of asking for an
upgrade.”

Give us this day Divine guidance in the selection of our cruise ships, that
we may find two level showrooms, wide promenade decks, alternative dining
options, a pizzeria, our staterooms made up with the twin beds converted to
a king, a cabin steward who understands what lots of ice means, and that we
actually paid less than the folks in the cabin next door.

We pray that our waiter and busboy speak our language, our iced tea glasses
are kept filled at all times, and that there are no emergency shore-to-ship
phone calls from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our
cruise or wash dishes in the galley to pay the balance on our shipboard
account.

Lead us, Dear Lord, to 2-for-1 specials on deluxe cruise ships where the
food is superb, the waiters friendly, the beverages and port charges, taxes
and government fees all included in the price; and that Richard Simmons was
on LAST week’s cruise.

Give us the wisdom to tip correctly and forgive us for under-tipping out of
ignorance or over-tipping out of fear. Make the crew learn to love us for
who we are and not for what we can contribute to their families back in
Turkey.

Grant us the strength to attend the daily aerobics classes on deck, to work
out frequently in the health spa, to use the stairs at all times, and to
order only one or two main courses at dinner.

Permit us to book beauty appointments, massage sessions, thalassotherapy
treatments, and to browse through the onboard shops and boutiques without
sending our VISA cards into convulsions.

Allow us the will to attend all shore talks and the stamina to sit through
another debarkation talk. Give us the strength to keep us from heckling the
comedians and from making fun of the Cruise Director and the karaoke
performers.

Help us become educated and wise cruisers, visiting the museums, the
cathedrals, the forts, the palaces, the castles and the rain forests listed
in the shore excursion booklets. If perchance we skip an historic monument
to take a nap on a beautiful sandy beach, have mercy on us, for our flesh is
weak.

[Added prayer by Husbands]
Dear God, keep our wives from signing us up for the “Not so Newlywed Game”,
from shopping sprees in St. Thomas, and away from the slot machines at all
times. Protect them from bargains they do not need or can`t afford. Lead
them not into temptation for they know not what they do.

[Added prayer by Wives]

Almighty Father, keep our husbands from gawking at all those partially-clad
women strutting around the ship’s pool comparing them to us. Save them from
making fools of themselves in the Disco and in the Passenger Talent Show.
Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly
what they do.

And now, All Together. . .

And when our cruise is over and we return to our loved ones, grant us the
favor of finding someone who will look at our videos and slides, and listen
to our stories, so that our lives as cruisers will not have been in vain.

This we ask in the name of Julie, Doc, Isaac, Gopher, and Captain Stubing.
Cruising without end. Amen.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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Don Sherman was a resident comedian on board the “Summit”, our ship of
choice for a cruise to Hawaii and back. Not only did he keep all in
stitches with a hilarious evening show in the Celebrity Theater, he met with
a small group in the Rendezvous Lounge on another day to share his tales.

My wife walked in late (coming from an ice-carving demonstration elsewhere)
and, in comic fashion, he began to tease her for sneaking in. He asked where
she was from and when she said ‘Wyoming’, he looked quizzically at everyone
and said, “People live there? I thought it was just a word on the map to
fill in the empty space where no one wanted to live?”

A few other lines stood out.

“Is the bathroom in your cabin as small as mine? I am a guy with a 48-long
tuxedo and a 26-short shower.”

“Enjoy the food. You paid for it, get your money’s worth. Just remember, you
came on as passengers and head home as cargo.”

“Talk about gourmet food. There’s a man at my table who eats things I
wouldn’t fish with.”

When the ship shuddered a bit during his act on stage, he quipped, “Hmm. The
captain promised he would stop drinking on the bridge.”

About the room steward he added, “I think that boy lives in my dresser
drawer. I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and when I
returned, my bed was made up and a chocolate on the pillow.”

Ah, what great memories. 14 nights of quality entertainment, including 5
full Broadway-style shows, opera, piano concerts, variety acts and Don
Sherman. On a giant ship (1000 feet long – that’s more than 3 football
fields – and 110 feet wide) he made it seem like you were sitting in a
living room and visiting with family.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
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“It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our
most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers!

In fact, I discovered by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses
plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me
until it was too late.

Accordingly, I’m readily willing to yield my command to these obviously
superior intellects, and I’ll, in turn, do my best for the Cause by writing
editorials – after the fact.”

..

..

..

..

-Robert E. Lee, 1863

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[Way too much fun with Verbal Profundities. Here are fifteen more!]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your Count votes.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[English is a fun language. Here are 15 kind of "profound" statements for
your enjoyment]

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
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Dress Code:
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers.
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral
arrangements.
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon.
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Thank you, The Management

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[Many have "welcomed me back" and glad to see the grif.net (off since March
1st) back on line and wondered where we've been. We've enjoyed a few days in
LA with grandchildren, then a cruise to Hawaii and back with the bride of 37
years. While I've loved doing the grif.net for 11 years, there are other
things in my life that come first!]

Speaking of family, an old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted
to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love Vinnie

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[Back from hiatus and glad to have the Grif.Net up and running]

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — Do not turn upside down.
(Well … Duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — Product will be hot after heating.
(And you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(I’m taking this because?)

On many brands of Christmas lights — For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor — Not to be used for the other use.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts.
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly.
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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[Humor aside about needing a break, the grif.net will be on a brief hiatus
for a few weeks. Hope to see you all toward the end of March.]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PASTOR MAY NEED A BREAK

10. Announces next Sunday’s baptismal services will be in Grand Cayman.

9. He has begun to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip of
espresso.

8. The church office garbage can has become his ‘in’ box.

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “All right,
listen up you heathen…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a Tank Top.

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me
alone?!”

3. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he
says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

2. The secretary overheard him phoning about shaving his head, getting a
tattoo and the cost of rehab.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. He’s preached the same sermon every Sunday since Christmas.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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