02/14/07 Grif.Net – Today

The beauty of my wife . . .
           is not in the clothes she wears,
           the figure that she carries,
           or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of my wife . . .
           is seen in her eyes,
           because that is the doorway to her heart,
           the place where love resides.
The beauty of my wife . . .
           is not in a facial mole,
           but the true beauty reflected in her soul;
           it is the caring that she lovingly gives,
           the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of my wife . . .
           with passing years only grows!

[Guys - Do you know what day today is?? You'd better]

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/13/07 Grif.Net – Valentines for Kids

[I have ten - count 'em - grandchildren, with the oldest at 7. Lexie turned
2 a few hours ago. So here is some Valentine Day humor for the KIDS!]

Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A. Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. “I’m sweet on you!”

Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. “I find you very attractive.”

Q. What did one pickle say to the other?
A. “You mean a great dill to me.”

Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. “I love you a ton!”

Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. “You’re fun to hang around with.”

Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!

Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. “I dot my i’s on you!”

Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. “I love you a whole watt!”

Q. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A. Ughs and kisses!

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

http://groups.google.com/group/grifnet?hl=en

02/12/07 Grif.Net – Gender Definitions

DEFINITIONS IN MARRIAGE BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  female: Any part under a car’s hood.
  male: The fastener at the top of the back of a woman’s dress above the zipper.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
  male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
  male: Scratching out a note before taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

BUTT (but) n
  female: The part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
  male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, home run, or goal.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
  female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
  male: Not spending all night staring at other women or automobiles.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
  male: Anything that can be done with the boys or a ball.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
  female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 minutes

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/10/07 Weekend Grif.Net – Renewing My Mind

When God regenerated me, He saved my soul from hell. I await the day when He saves this flesh and makes it eternally new. Meanwhile, I am told to “renew” my mind by changing the “stinking thinking” of this world and replace it with the positive truth of the Bible.

We say, “It’s impossible.”
GOD says, All things are possible. (Luke 18:27)

We say, “I’m too tired.”
GOD says, I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)

We say, “Nobody really loves me.”
GOD says, I love you. (John 3:16 & John 13:34)

We say, “I can’t go on.”
GOD says, My grace is sufficient. (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

We say, “I can’t figure things out.”
GOD says, I will direct your steps. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

We say, “I can’t do it.”
GOD says, You can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)

We say, “I’m not able.”
GOD says, I am able. (II Corinthians 9:8)

We say, “It’s not worth it.”
GOD says, It will be worth it. (Romans 8:28)

We say, “I can’t forgive myself.”
GOD says, I forgive you. (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

We say, “I can’t manage.”
GOD says, I will supply all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)

We say, “I’m afraid.”
GOD says, I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)

We say, “I’m always worried and frustrated.”
GOD says, Cast all your cares on Me. (I Peter 5:7)

We say, “I don’t have enough faith.”
GOD says, I’ve given everyone a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)

We say, “I’m not smart enough.”
GOD says, I give you wisdom. (I Corinthians 1:30)

We say, “I feel all alone.”
GOD says, I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/09/07 Grif.Net – More Marriage Advice

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman’s means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/08/07 Grif.Net – Political Short Books

My thread on “Shortest Books” to read on a winter night brought a couple responses from an old college chum (love that word). Tom suggested POLITICAL shortest books. So my mind went reeling and here are some from myself and many others . .

1 ) Humility and How to Obtain It by Rush Limbaugh

2 ) My Qualifications for Presidency by Obama whatshisname

3 ) Reducing Taxes by Nancy Pelosi

4 ) Earning Money the Hard Way by John Kerry

5 ) Underwater Rescue Techniques by Ted Kennedy

6 ) Winning the Victory in Iraq by George W Bush

7 ) NRA Hunter’s Safety Guide by Dick Cheney

8 ) Memoir: Accomplishments of a Great American President by Jimmy Carter

9) Capitol Guide to Conservative Democrats by Joseph Lieberman

10 ) America the Beautiful by Cindy Sheehan.

11 ) Minding My Own Business by Rev. Jesse Jackson.

12 ) Virtues of the Golden Rule by Osama bin Laden.

13 ) Learning From Others by Bill O’Riley.

14 ) Building a Better World by Yassir Arafat.

15 ) The Men I Have Admired by Rosie O’Donald.

Hey, don’t write me. I didn’t write these books . . 8)

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

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02/07/07 Grif.Net – Getting Directions

Did you hear about the helicopter pilot who was lost over Seattle? The fog was so thick that all he could see was the top of a building sticking up through the clouds.

He maneuvered himself close to the building, hovered beside a window and wrote on his notepad “Where am I?” and held it up hoping the occupants of the building would give him a landmark so he could find his way to the airport.

The office workers read his message and then wrote on a large white board, “You’re in a helicopter”. He then turned his copter 45 degrees and flew directly to the airport.

His copilot asked how he knew which way to go. He said, “I knew from the message I was beside the Microsoft building. They’re the only people in the universe who could have given me an answer that was technically perfect but utterly useless.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/06/07 Grif.Net – Cold Nights at Home

Many are complaining about the weather, and must stay indoors. Books are your friends! Here are some VERY SHORT BOOKS for easy reading

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
3) Career Opportunities for History Majors
4) Cleveland – A Travel Guide
5) Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
6) Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
7) Everything Men Know About Women
8) Root Canals for Fun and Profit
9) Mike Tyson’s Guide to Fine Dining
10) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
11) Popular Lawyers
12) Staple Your Way to Success
13) The Amish Phone Book
14) Funny Commercials in the 2007 Super Bowl
15) Water-skiing the Bermuda Triangle

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/05/07 Grif.Net – A New Commandment

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill?”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/03/07 Weekend Grif.Net – A Parable

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program”, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

The End.  

(A little too real, eh?  Thanks for the forward, Jim)
~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

GRIFNET – 2-3-2007 TEST MESSAGE

Psalm 31:1, 19-24 (NRSV)

In you, O LORD, I seek refuge;
do not let me ever be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me.

O how abundant is your goodness
that you have laid up for those who fear you,
and accomplish for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of everyone!
In the shelter of your presence
you hide them from human plots;
you hold them safe under your shelter
from contentious tounges.

Blessed be the LORD,
for he has wonderously shown
his steadfast love to me
when I was beset as a city under seige.
I had said in my alarm,
“I am driven far from your sight.”
But you heard my supplications
when I cried out to youfor help.

Love the LORD, all you his saints.
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but abundantly repays the one
who acts haughtily.
Be strong, and let your heart
take courage, all you who wait for the LORD.

02/02/07 Grif.Net – Super Bowl Quiz

[A teacher in Korea sent this. He may be originally from Michigan. Just a hunch. This may be easily adapted to reflect the Cowboys, Giants, Chargers or other teams on which you lost money this post-season.]

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting in front of a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell out to God.

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: To Ford Field – they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn’t Grand Rapids have a professional football team?
A: Because then Detroit would want one.

Q: What’s the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

~~

Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

02/01/07 Grif.Net – The Real Story

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s
probably just your Dad.”

~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given